I feel like there's this surge of bitterness that's been building up for the last 4 years of my life. I've had anger before, but that was always quickly replaced by action and hope. But this brand of bitterness I'm experiencing...if ever it were a stench, it would be the most pungent and permeating odor. And lingering, long after source has been taken away.
Sometimes I feel engulfed by it. Thankfully, they're only for brief moments. They're fleeting, but intense.
Today, I stopped my denial of it. I also realized, I didn't want to live my life like this anymore. I want to feel carefree and...without fear. Without anger, or resentment. There are so many people I feel so much anger for, and so rarely have I ever given myself the fair chance to really express it to them. To let them know that the way they talk to me does bother me. That no, it's not ok that after I've only been there for 15 min and driven approximately an hour to see you, that I have to leave because your bf showed up. That no, it's not ok for you to snap at me when I mistakenly leaned on a car I thought belonged to one of the film crew, just because you filmed too late, and the precious doctor never showed up and you felt it easy to treat me like shit. Or all the other times you've snapped at me, or cut me off, or simply ignored me, just because you felt I annoyed you for some unknown reason. I can list more, but it would be pointless. The list would be endless. And a simple "fuck you" wouldn't suffice if ever I had the chance to tell them.
I want to be fully functional in this life I'm living, but I feel like im barely functioning at sub-par. I can't do it like this any longer. It's either death, or life filled with more respect, more value for the time I expend, and less with being crapped on because I'm simply in the wrong spot, at the wrong time.
I'm still not sure how I'm going to do this, but baby steps, I suppose. I take it one day at a time, one person at a time, one event at a time...until I finally master the art of assertiveness. I'm sure there's a class on this, but I think this is going to require a huge leap of faith in myself, and good helping of an all knowing force out there.
