"Despair is criminal"

 

...and so my fortune cookie says. 

After my initial shock, and that tiny little voice in my head saying "Holy crap, how did they know?," I quickly realized how something like this could be considered an psyche litmus test of sorts. 

Glass half empty or half full? 

For some, receiving a fortune with "Despair is criminal" is a reminder of how when all is good, to feel anything but happiness is truly "criminal." 

For myself, I took a less than positive perspective, and lamented on all the shenanigans that have happened in the last 25 years of my life. 

Are fortunes pronounced in the negative a telling sign of what I've been attracting in my life? To be honest with you, that's kind of what it feels like. 

As for what I may do with that info...will keep you posted.

Past the tumult of my 20's...

...and now I brave the new and wondrous terrain of my 30's.

I'll be honest with you...I feel different.  I think differently.  Even the texture of my skin feels different.  Sex drive is through the roof (and will soon be satiated with those ball and chain words: "Till death do us part").

Yes. I'm actually getting married.

In my early 30's!

Would it be appropriate to say "I told you so!" ?

Truth be told, whether I manifested it or not, I've always said I'd prefer to marry in my early 30's, and it's actually happening.

I also said that I wanted to meet my soul mate, and in the most unexpected twists of fate (or more like my succumbing to my personal  brand of feminine aggression--long story), he was under my nose the whole time.

Things are still not exactly completely figured out, but...is it ever?!

Let me revel in this moment.  I want to sniff it, inhale, let it permeate every fiber of my 30 year old being.

What have I discovered in the travails of my existence?

In a nut shell: Life. Keeps. Getting. Better. Period.

I don't care if you're 80 years old, shitting in your diaper, and your ketone breath can be sniffed from across the room.  You may disagree.  You may tell me that it's barely just begun.  You may tell me, watch out! And all I'll say is...you should've been more flexible.

I know this may sound cryptic to anyone reading this (heh, do I have any readers?), but it wasn't until I let go of the reigns, and went with the flow, instead of fighting against it, that I started to finally (FINALLY) enjoy my life.

I'm settling in my own skin for once.  I don't feel the need to chameleon myself to every situation I can potentially find myself in.  I know what me is.  It took me 30 God Damn years, but I did it.  Of course, not without all the pain, the tears, the neuroses, the near break downs (or actual break downs--shh! lets just keep that between you and I), the failures, the tiny successes, the failed relationships, the massive life failures, and the rejections, the weight, the MS...ugh...blah, blah, blah.

It all seems so petty in retrospect.

I'm living it now.

And frankly, all of that was in some other time dimension, that I'm so far divorced from, I may as well live my life as if it basically never happened.

Ok.  I know.  Impossible.  And well...it did shape me into the fine woman I am today.  I didn't even shudder when I typed that.  Progress. I'm making progress.

I have learned from my fantastic errors in life...and that would be an understatement.

I may have thrown in the towel a few times, but for such brief instances in my life. I like to refer to them as my moments of recharge.  But through it all,  I've stubbornly stuck to whatever course, even with a few diversions. (Film...fun...back to science though).

I closed the chapter on my teens when I entered college.  And now, I close the chapter on the roller coaster hell ride of my 20's.  I'm entering a new phase in my life, and thus a new chapter is a-brewin'. I open to and am fully embracing my 30's.

Less innocent.

Naivety a thing of the past.

Less conscience of the things that don't matter, and more cogent with the things that do.

I am wiser...in droves.

Reflecting

What I love more than time off, is time I spend working on something I enjoy, and still getting paid for it.  I'm waiting for that day to come. In the meantime, it's more classes, more study, more little excursions to Hawiian BBQ, where I enjoy my little lunch or dinner entree, while I listen to NPR news on my iPhone (I have a stupid smirk on my face, but I relish those moments--paradise!) I'm going down a windy road, but it's what's getting me closer to finding out who I am, and the purpose I want in life. I think 30 is the new 20. My life is finally coming about, and I have someone I care about deeply that I can share it with :)

Bitter pill, no more

I feel like there's this surge of bitterness that's been building up for the last 4 years of my life.  I've had anger before, but that was always quickly replaced by action and hope.  But this brand of bitterness I'm experiencing...if ever it were a stench, it would be the most pungent and permeating odor.  And lingering, long after source has been taken away.  

Sometimes I feel engulfed by it.  Thankfully, they're only for brief moments.  They're fleeting, but intense.  

Today, I stopped my denial of it.  I also realized, I didn't want to live my life like this anymore.  I want to feel carefree and...without fear.  Without anger, or resentment.  There are so many people I feel so much anger for, and so rarely have I ever given myself the fair chance to really express it to them.  To let them know that the way they talk to me does bother me.  That no, it's not ok that after I've only been there for 15 min and driven approximately an hour to see you, that I have to leave because your bf showed up.  That no, it's not ok for you to snap at me when I mistakenly leaned on a car I thought belonged to one of the film crew, just because you filmed too late, and the precious doctor never showed up and you felt it easy to treat me like shit.  Or all the other times you've snapped at me, or cut me off, or simply ignored me, just because you felt I annoyed you for some unknown reason. I can list more, but it would be pointless.  The list would be endless.  And a simple "fuck you" wouldn't suffice if ever I had the chance to tell them.  

I want to be fully functional in this life I'm living, but I feel like im barely functioning at sub-par.  I can't do it like this any longer.  It's either death, or life filled with more respect, more value for the time I expend, and less with being crapped on because I'm simply in the wrong spot, at the wrong time.  

I'm still not sure how I'm going to do this, but baby steps, I suppose.  I take it one day at a time, one person at a time, one event at a time...until I finally master the art of assertiveness.  I'm sure there's a class on this, but I think this is going to require a huge leap of faith in myself, and good helping of an all knowing force out there. 

Why expect any differently?

So I have this weird and insane tendency to assume the best from people who have already either (a) hurt me (b) betrayed me (c) used me or (d) all of the above.  There's still that whole people-are-good-at-heart mantra resonating through my head, as we speak.  You would think that all that positive thinking will garner some kind of change in those oh so unfortunate folks, but no.  Don't get wrong...I have wonderful friendships with beautiful, honest (well, at least for the most part), and caring people.  But apparently, in the arena of men...there's seems to be a different MO operating with the guys I tend to find myself involved with,

But no matter how much they hurt me, how used I feel, or how cold they are with me, I can't quite seem to remember these mis-deeds long enough for me to stay as far away from them as possible! Whatsup with my neuroses here?!

I think it's amazing how some of my friends have this bullshit radar hardwired in them, and they somehow are able to avoid every single dog-man (yes, that's what they will be called...or, more fittingly called ASSHOLES) within a few meters in sight.  It truly baffles me.  I am in awe of them.  But what about me?!!

Sometimes I think all that sesame street, and Mr.Rogers neighborhood that I used to watch as a kid really f'd-up my brain somehow, and made me believe the HUGE lie that all people are good at heart.  I even remember all those movies of saints my parents used to make me watch, and how, almost in a trance like state, I stare at the screen, absorbing all that saintliness and trying to somehow apply it to the hell like world around me.   All that mental warpature is really affecting my love life at the moment, and  lets face it...it was a crock of shit. All of it? No.  Most of it? An emphatic YES!

Today, I just had an online conversation with a male buddy, who shall remain nameless.  This is a person I divulge many of my most inner most secrets to (like how upset my stomach was after eating that god-awful ice cream), and what not. We get into nittier and grittier details of the past few weeks, and suddenly, right when I'm baring my soul, I get a "well, it was nice chatting with you....good night!" And then less than a few milliseconds later....he's off.  WTF?

But let me tell you that this has certainly not been the first time he's pulled that stunt, and I probably don't think it will be the last.  So why would I expect any differently?  Is it sheer idiocy? Or a temporary state of autistm that render me unable to read disinterest? (ok, that one was long winded...but that's the ultra condensed version of my thoughts).

Much to your dismay, it's neither.  It's simple really.  I settle with whomever it is I have an interest in.  Is expecting the best settling? Yes. Why, you may ask? Because you've become resigned with whatever it is you're having to cope with, with this person, and do not have the BALLS to move on to greener pastures.  There is nothing forcing me to continue talking to this person.  I may be over reacting, but when you're cut off mid-chat, sentence, what-have you...you see what it feels like.  It's like having your dinner taken away from you mid bite.  Yeah...it's that bad. (serious stuff...seriously!).

But this expecting the best business has to do with a combination of thinking you can change the person, and fearing you may not find someone else.

So there it is.  Why would I expect any differently...because I don't think I can get any better.  So now...I'm going to sit on this epiphany of mine, and allow myself to slowly accept and thus...change it.

A day in the life of...

I am feeling fantastic! I've realized yet another rather factual, yet hum-drum, aspect of myself.  I absolutely LOVE TO WORK! I leave the feeling of being productive, useful, competent, and most of all, fully self expressed! It's the most amazing feeling in the world!

I've also come to rather enjoy my singles-dom.  It's pretty nice only having to be concerned with myself, and not having to worry about impressing someone, or what have you.  Don't get me wrong, I really do enjoy the company of the opposite sex, but incessant insecurities always had a way of sabotaging what would have otherwise been a beautiful and fulfilling relationship.  I would love to be friends with someone that eventually lead to such a long and fruitful relationship.  Maybe even the love of my life, and the person I'll be able to spend the rest of my life with! All lofty goals, and I do feel a bit sheepish (not to mention preciousious) even mentioning this...in my blog of all places! For all the world to see ("wtf is she saying! how immature!").  Blah, not like anyone reads this smut anyways lol

I'd write more, but I'm not in a writing-mood at the moment.  I have a feeling that my blogs will be far more involved in the future.  For now, it's just spurts of thoughts I'm sharing.  Which is great for your ADD afflicted Joe or Jane, but my thoughts encompass far more dimensions that the limited singular one I'm showing now.  Yes, I have color...it's not longer those icky shades of gray! :-P

But yes, it was a good day.  Many, MANY more to come ;)

When they're not the right fit

Ever been around someone where, despite they're being decent people, just are not the right fit for you in terms of friendship?  It's like you and them are moding on two completely different wavelengths.  There really is nothing wrong with that.  


Whether you rub each other the wrong way, for no real or obvious reason, isn't something either party needs to really worry about---It simply is not something worth stressing over.  I'm finally accepting that reality in my life.  You're grateful for the time you've spent with these people, but know being apart is far more conducive to your peace of mind, than allowing them to remain in your life.  This was definitely something I've been struggling with in the past few months.  


Now I understand and have finally come to terms with the situation.  Let bygones be bygones, and move on.  I'm grateful for this clarity :) Now I can sleep and conduct the rest of my life in peace ^__^