Why expect any differently?

So I have this weird and insane tendency to assume the best from people who have already either (a) hurt me (b) betrayed me (c) used me or (d) all of the above.  There's still that whole people-are-good-at-heart mantra resonating through my head, as we speak.  You would think that all that positive thinking will garner some kind of change in those oh so unfortunate folks, but no.  Don't get wrong...I have wonderful friendships with beautiful, honest (well, at least for the most part), and caring people.  But apparently, in the arena of men...there's seems to be a different MO operating with the guys I tend to find myself involved with,

But no matter how much they hurt me, how used I feel, or how cold they are with me, I can't quite seem to remember these mis-deeds long enough for me to stay as far away from them as possible! Whatsup with my neuroses here?!

I think it's amazing how some of my friends have this bullshit radar hardwired in them, and they somehow are able to avoid every single dog-man (yes, that's what they will be called...or, more fittingly called ASSHOLES) within a few meters in sight.  It truly baffles me.  I am in awe of them.  But what about me?!!

Sometimes I think all that sesame street, and Mr.Rogers neighborhood that I used to watch as a kid really f'd-up my brain somehow, and made me believe the HUGE lie that all people are good at heart.  I even remember all those movies of saints my parents used to make me watch, and how, almost in a trance like state, I stare at the screen, absorbing all that saintliness and trying to somehow apply it to the hell like world around me.   All that mental warpature is really affecting my love life at the moment, and  lets face it...it was a crock of shit. All of it? No.  Most of it? An emphatic YES!

Today, I just had an online conversation with a male buddy, who shall remain nameless.  This is a person I divulge many of my most inner most secrets to (like how upset my stomach was after eating that god-awful ice cream), and what not. We get into nittier and grittier details of the past few weeks, and suddenly, right when I'm baring my soul, I get a "well, it was nice chatting with you....good night!" And then less than a few milliseconds later....he's off.  WTF?

But let me tell you that this has certainly not been the first time he's pulled that stunt, and I probably don't think it will be the last.  So why would I expect any differently?  Is it sheer idiocy? Or a temporary state of autistm that render me unable to read disinterest? (ok, that one was long winded...but that's the ultra condensed version of my thoughts).

Much to your dismay, it's neither.  It's simple really.  I settle with whomever it is I have an interest in.  Is expecting the best settling? Yes. Why, you may ask? Because you've become resigned with whatever it is you're having to cope with, with this person, and do not have the BALLS to move on to greener pastures.  There is nothing forcing me to continue talking to this person.  I may be over reacting, but when you're cut off mid-chat, sentence, what-have you...you see what it feels like.  It's like having your dinner taken away from you mid bite.  Yeah...it's that bad. (serious stuff...seriously!).

But this expecting the best business has to do with a combination of thinking you can change the person, and fearing you may not find someone else.

So there it is.  Why would I expect any differently...because I don't think I can get any better.  So now...I'm going to sit on this epiphany of mine, and allow myself to slowly accept and thus...change it.

A day in the life of...

I am feeling fantastic! I've realized yet another rather factual, yet hum-drum, aspect of myself.  I absolutely LOVE TO WORK! I leave the feeling of being productive, useful, competent, and most of all, fully self expressed! It's the most amazing feeling in the world!

I've also come to rather enjoy my singles-dom.  It's pretty nice only having to be concerned with myself, and not having to worry about impressing someone, or what have you.  Don't get me wrong, I really do enjoy the company of the opposite sex, but incessant insecurities always had a way of sabotaging what would have otherwise been a beautiful and fulfilling relationship.  I would love to be friends with someone that eventually lead to such a long and fruitful relationship.  Maybe even the love of my life, and the person I'll be able to spend the rest of my life with! All lofty goals, and I do feel a bit sheepish (not to mention preciousious) even mentioning this...in my blog of all places! For all the world to see ("wtf is she saying! how immature!").  Blah, not like anyone reads this smut anyways lol

I'd write more, but I'm not in a writing-mood at the moment.  I have a feeling that my blogs will be far more involved in the future.  For now, it's just spurts of thoughts I'm sharing.  Which is great for your ADD afflicted Joe or Jane, but my thoughts encompass far more dimensions that the limited singular one I'm showing now.  Yes, I have color...it's not longer those icky shades of gray! :-P

But yes, it was a good day.  Many, MANY more to come ;)

When they're not the right fit

Ever been around someone where, despite they're being decent people, just are not the right fit for you in terms of friendship?  It's like you and them are moding on two completely different wavelengths.  There really is nothing wrong with that.  


Whether you rub each other the wrong way, for no real or obvious reason, isn't something either party needs to really worry about---It simply is not something worth stressing over.  I'm finally accepting that reality in my life.  You're grateful for the time you've spent with these people, but know being apart is far more conducive to your peace of mind, than allowing them to remain in your life.  This was definitely something I've been struggling with in the past few months.  


Now I understand and have finally come to terms with the situation.  Let bygones be bygones, and move on.  I'm grateful for this clarity :) Now I can sleep and conduct the rest of my life in peace ^__^

Getting started!

So here I post my first official blog (as opposed to the unofficial and rather private one's i've had on such retarded social sites like Myspace).

I have no clue what I'm going to write.  I only know that writing seems to remove any emotional blockages I experience on a daily basis, and since I have a harder time expressing myself to people, I might as well commit my neurotic thoughts to text.  At the very least someone else can read it and maybe smile, frown, or simply scoff in disgust at the ridiculousness of my thoughts and reactions.

So here I accept my inauguration to blog-dom. Yay!

And away we go!